Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
