I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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