Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
