Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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