Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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