I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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