he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
