You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize