You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
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And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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