I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
