He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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