I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
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you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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