PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
