I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
they need to just BURY HIM!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
