walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
