Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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