I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
