i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
