Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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