I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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