I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
