Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
