you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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