omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
