I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
