This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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