How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
