Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
