hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
