he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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