So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
