Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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