At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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