She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
