I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
