when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
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We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
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He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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