Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
