"it" just moved
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
