You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
