You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
