I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you still have your period?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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