i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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