I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
