giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
