Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
