I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
