I just pynch a tree in the face
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
