My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
