Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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