I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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