just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
