What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
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Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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